Awareness

Awareness
I chose to explore intimacies after recognizing the need for a deeper awareness (in everything).
My journey on exploring intimacies needed focus.
I began handwriting in a journal.
I revisited these entries, to notice what I decided was worth documenting at the time.
I recorded conversations in secret, to preserve their naturalness.
Conversations I’d hope would reveal more than what was said.
Ultimately, I was hoping for answers to come through an increased sense in documenting/recording/things that are not permanent/
I do have to confess that I often realize the chance to record too late, but I hope my memory allows for apt resonances of the progress those missed chances gives.
I would find myself exploring my body as I read, coming to awarenesses that would have likely gone infinitely unnoticed.
The state of illness came to mind, as the most obvious ways one is forced to attend to oneself.

Reading Gertrude Stein’s Tender Buttons, of deconstruction,
of language, of deconstruction of language,
of a simpler awareness, and
meditation

It brought be back down. I didn’t have to look so far and wide for resonances, for answers. There were closer questions within grasp
that were being overlooked.
I began by looking back, at documentations before I was on this journey, or, at least, aware of any of this.

Stein's words extended beyond the recording,
expressions that I wanted to appropriate, translate toward my own exploration;
expressions that
could have been mine.

Everyday questions and meditations

What was said, what I said
what was being said, and not
being said,
what was holding me back,
and still
holds me back;

Resistance.